walking out of a relationship

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When he wished to leave his past behind and be in exile; he thought he could send a message to the world that he existed.

Well, does it ever matter if we existed or not? We never matter how well we have lived our life or more. Throughout the journey we tried to stand on our own, no matter how difficult it was. A little indifference is anathema to us. Then what do we expect? When we part in a relationship, we cherish the world to take note of this. We never feel to be slighted or ignored. This is how all of us or at least most of us think of our relationship. We rarely admit guilt, and consider we are more wronged than have done. Yet is it always a fact? I fear it is not.

I remember a May night, when my father died. During his life he fought a long battle, against the system, relationships and also against failing health. He was not a man whom many remembered, nor did he think that after his death he would be remembered as a crusader, for he fought a limited duel. His death was sudden, but in death also was left a painless wrinkled smile around his form. From then I felt if you wish nothing you would never be in great pain. When I see we sulk and even shed tears and sigh at the slightest disrespect and cold shouldering, I hope we could be a little less sensitive so that we remain unmoved. Our parents were more prudent than us, for them life was less a joy walk and more a struggle.They had a strong faith in determinism and however true or untrue was that they remain steadfast in their pursuit.

When we decide to walk out of a relationship, we desire so either at a spur or a deliberated brooding. When we do so and find that the reciprocity of brashness is forthcoming, we are relaxed. When we suffer after walking out we have a sense of guilt. If our action hurts the other party and we are oblivious of the pain we should consider why at all we enter to a relationship where we bring suffering. Human relationship is to be endured and it should never be a moonwalk.

I had no intention to treatise the facets of relationship, but have a sincere desire that we should not consider belonging  as momentary and as a transit- shelter. Relationships are achieved through painstaking and meditative effort. Rarely is it accomplished in play acting. If we cannot invest in a relationship, we have no business to enter there. When relationships are for money, glory, sex or sluggish company, it is better not to be in it.If I love I love with no albatross around my conscience.

Enduring a perfect relationship needs two mutually supplementing mindset. To be in a companionship needs stoic nihilism to suffer slight and be in ecstasy. Lead a relationship and feel how wonderful it is that we could live it till the natural end. And also never feel sorry if you have not ditched trust. Walk out as silently as you could if it could not be persisted. Well, if a relationship falters and fails despite best efforts, and the neglect could no more be taken further, quit and relent with no rancour.

music within

I rarely have dreams, pleasant or otherwise; even in my odd dreams I am all alone, as they say; 'like pale yellow mountains, lamb like'. From my childhood, I cherished friends but never could jump the fence. A dichotomy of faith and disbelief, to belong and not adhere; always I was haunted by lack of courage; for monotony and gluttony were key indicators of moving life. Dynamics of stubborn resilience and vulnerability to debugging fear of stand-alone seclusion were realities from the stammering and struting days till date. The golf course was never grazed, but trimmed; life in its delicate as well unsavoury form is a reality which I would never be able to resist. I am not alone, many of us are companions.

Then why should I fancy silence and loneliness!

I have no reasons to offer. May be, you feel solitude and then you are never being alone. It is a paradox that the distance diminishes and joyous self proclamation is in the vicinity of accomplishing when we are alone. But what is that self search, a meditative inclination to humming within, or a detachment Buddha like; I never know .Rarely we attain that; as a life is never enough to unravel a sand- dust, what to speak of the mystery of trees and blue sky and dead stars.

Oh yes, at our times of self probing, we need routine, monotonous and matured isolation, a little dull trepidation. They rather stimulate a growing mind irrespective of intellect and experience or even age. While in solitude the walls that abound us are not to keep the living thoughts and beings away, never do the walls drive away cattle or doting birds. Rather a desire is latent that till the wall is climbed and trespassed or the inevitable demolition I shall nurture my living soul and broken walls add to empathetic substance. My togetherness with the world is as real as my secluded substance.

For a wholesome experience sombre solitude is an ex-pression, a tool rather. Wilting emotions create a rare courage to enfold the being and envelop nothingness. We lean to the walls to commute to the world of sublime merger. We could attain a submerged bliss and perpetuate the belongingness to our collectivised being and existence . What I feel, we need a little nerve , self search and also an existential profaneness, a proclivity to metaphoric existence. Then the joy shall linger to spread. I never break walls, put my ears to the bricks to gather a part of music that you render in your solitude. And while I would be inside I wish others feel my tune and respond.The symphony dispersed could be yours the moment it is delivered.